Saturday, October 27, 2012

There's No Denying It!

So, since I announced that we were expecting another baby, I bet there are a few curious folks out there thinking “How did that happen?”  Yeah, I’m still wondering the same thing! J

If you aren’t already aware, we struggled for a couple years before finally conceiving Violet and Charlotte using IVF (in-vitro fertilization).  And for most people struggling to have a baby, it’s not like you get to immediately try IVF, there a bunch of different methods they try before that.  None of which worked for us… Plus, it was technically our second try of IVF, it was actually an FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle when I got pregnant with the twins.  So because of all this, I pretty much assumed we were immune to getting pregnant.

I was wrong.  :-P

When we were trying and didn’t get pregnant for the first year, and after we realized that something wasn’t right, I couldn’t help but think, “All those years wasting money on birth control…”  J  So, when my OBGYN asked what form of birth control I was choosing after the twins were born I just told her I wanted to try an IUD, and she said “Ok, don’t forget to make an appointment for that.”  Sure thing! (with a thumbs up sign and a silly wink!)  It wasn’t that I necessarily forgot, it was more that I procrastinated.  The procedure isn’t free, I didn’t feel that was totally necessary to get it done immediately, and I basically thought it was a waste of money.   So, the appointment was never made…

So la-de-da, we’re just living life, trying to get through each day.  I can’t really figure out how to word this without being all TMI, so I hope this makes sense and isn’t gross/weird.  Around the time I started weaning the girls, I just figured my body was still trying to get back to normal.  So I never really noticed the obvious sign that I might possibly be pregnant.   

More la-de-da, we’re still living life for a couple more weeks.  Chaz is nervous though.  I’d told him if nothing happens next month, I’ll take a test. 

Then, I started not feeling very good.  Ever.  And I was tired.  Way more than usual.  All the time. 

I just thought I was drinking too much Diet Coke.  For real, I was drinking the stuff like it was my job.  I had a serious addiction.  I kept telling myself I was going to quit the next day.  But then I’d be getting breakfast, and that Diet Coke fountain would be calling my name…  I assumed it was giving me an ulcer or something.  So I finally started to slowly back off on one serving of Diet Coke per day.  Instead of my lunchtime Diet Coke, I had water instead.  And I felt a little better in the afternoons.  Boom, the cause of the problem was discovered! 

Or so I thought…

Then one day, I was on a tour of our manufacturing cell at work.  It was warm out on the floor, but I was getting that even warmer feeling you get when you are about to throw up, where the back of my neck is getting hot and I can feel my forehead starting to sweat.  And suddenly I was thinking, “Holy crap, I’m going to throw up.  I’m going to throw up.  I’m going to throw up.  What do I do? What do I do?  What do I do?”  So now, instead of paying attention to whatever they are trying to show us, I’m focusing on not throwing up. 

When I think there is no hope, I decide that as soon as we move on to the next station, I’m going to sneak away from the group and either get outside or run to a bathroom.  But where’s the nearest bathroom?  I’m not totally familiar with where we are on the floor.  But they just keep talking, and talking, and talking.  Stop asking fricken questions people or I’m going to blow chunks all over you!  Finally, I think “F- it, I’m outta here.” And I just turn around, cut through some of the people and hustle to the only bathroom I can think of, which fortunately wasn’t too far away.

I make it just in time.  I slam open a stall door, and there goes my breakfast… Luckily, nobody else was in the bathroom.  When I’m done, I rinse out my mouth and wash my face.  And then I feel fine.  Hmmm… that was weird.  Then I walk out of the bathroom and rejoin the tour.

When I get back to my desk, I email Chaz about what happened.  All his email reply said was “Dude, you’re so preggo.”  My response was something along the lines of “Nah, I still think it’s just all that Diet Coke.”  Denial?  I’m still not sure…  He responds by telling me to go buy a test during lunch.  I told him I don’t want to waste money on a test unless I know for sure that I absolutely need to take it (which I guess would make the test unnecessary if I could know that…).

Well, then the next day, Chaz comes home with a 3-pack HPT.  Dangit, he can buy those at his company store for 50cents… “Fine, I guess I’ll take it after the girls are asleep…”

Sidenote:  I have a weird phobia about pregnancy tests.  When we were trying before, I had taken so many, and gotten so many negative results, that I pretty much hate them.  Anyways, I still read the instructions first, even though I’ve taken about a million of these, and I pee on the stick.  I leave it in the bathroom and do some stuff in the kitchen for a few minutes. 

The whole time, my mind is just weird.  Honestly, there isn’t even a word I can think of to explain it, so I’m just going with weird.  I’ve taken so many tests just hoping and praying for 2 blue lines or a plus sign!  And this time, I wasn’t sure what result I wanted.  Do I want it positive or do I want it negative?  How am I going to feel if it’s negative?  What are we going to do if it’s positive?  I think that is why I was in denial about possibly being pregnant for so many weeks.  There was a tiny part of me that actually hoped I was pregnant, and I hate getting my hopes up that I could be pregnant based on all the disappointments of the past.  But there was also a bigger part of me that was freaking out about what would happen if we were pregnant, so I thought I might be OK if it was negative.

Anyways, I walk back in the bathroom and look at the test.  And I’m think, hmmmm… that’s interesting.  I grab the instructions and look at them again.  And look at the test again.  I have no idea why, I know exactly what the test says.  Again, my mind is weird.  My hands are shaking.  But I’m smiling.  Sort of…

“Chaz, I think you better get in here…”

He walks in takes a 1 second look at it, and says “looks like a line to me.”  I sigh and tell him he’s not even looking at the right part (he was looking at the line that tells you the test functioned correctly).  I tell him he’s supposed to look there, where it looks like a plus sign.  He takes a little closer look.  “Looks like a plus sign…”

I’m squinting at it.  I’m still not convinced.  More denial?  Definitely.

“I don’t know if I did it right.  Something could be screwed up.  Now I’m not even sure if that is a plus sign.  I’ll take another one in the morning,” I say.

And we hug, and I go upstairs and cry a little.  Because my mind is weird.  Am I happy or sad?  Disappointed or excited?  I don’t even know.

The next morning, I pee on another stick.  Another plus sign shows up.  I guess I’ll call the doctor today…
Do you see a plus sign?
I call the doctor and tell them the situation.  I tell them I don’t know the date of my LMP because I didn’t think things were back to normal after my last pregnancy.  They order a blood test for me to confirm I am pregnant, and how pregnant am I?

I get a blood test during lunchtime that day.  I’m so glad Zeeland Hospital is right next to my work and that I discovered they have a lab there!  They were super speedy, and the doctor’s office called around 4pm with the results.  My HCG level was 107,000.  Basically, I was A LOT pregnant.  “You only need to be about 5000 to see the baby on an ultrasound, so we’re going to get you scheduled for one to get your due date,” said the nurse.   Boom, I had an ultrasound scheduled the next day.

My email to Chaz just says:  “So, apparently I’m pregnant...”

I get my mom and sister to watch the twins during my ultrasound by telling a little, white lie that my appointment is for a follow up for my postpartum depression.  At the doctor’s office, I feel like an old pro in the ultrasound room.  I had one once per week for most of the second half of my pregnancy with the twins. 

As I’m watching on the screen, all I can think is “please don’t let it be twins!”  Not that I don’t love my twins, and love having twins, but I think having 4 kids under the age of 2 would be a slightly stressful… :-P 

And then, there’s New Baby.  Just a little blob.  You can kind of see where the head is and where the body is.  The tech doesn’t play the heartbeat, but I can see it beating away on the screen.  I still ask to make sure that it’s the heart though (it could be something weird, I don’t know…).  She confirms that it’s the heartbeat and it’s doing great!  She takes some measurements, and then we’re done.  After I’m cleaned up, she says “Oh, by the way, there’s only one in there.”  I laugh and say “Good, because I have 9 month old twins at home!”  She laughs and tells me I’m going to have my hands full.  If I had a nickel for every time I heard that already…
New Baby's First Picture!

At the time of the ultrasound, I was about almost 9 weeks along.  My estimated due date is April 9. 

I went back to my mom’s and emailed Chaz.  He couldn’t believe I wasn’t spilling the beans yet.  But I still couldn’t believe that it was actually happening.  I was still in MAJOR denial!  I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.  Even for the next few weeks after we found out, I kept forgetting that I was pregnant!  I’m just so dumbfounded by it all!

So, I guess that’s the story of how it happened.  Well, not the actual story of how it happened (gross), but the story of how we found out, I guess.  J

I know there are so many other people struggling to get what I got without even trying.  I know how they feel so I always hope and pray that they get their plus sign someday soon.  All babies are little miracles, and because of what we went through before, this baby especially feels like one.  I thought I already had everything I ever wanted, but God decided to bless us with another little gift.  I am so grateful!


  1. Ive been anxiously awaiting this post! So glad Im not alone in this "holy crap we are having another one in April!" situation!! <3